He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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