hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
