my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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