I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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