Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
