kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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