ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
