you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
