my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
