If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
