Umm I'm too high to move.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
