rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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