As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
