apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
