It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
