She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
