Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
