his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
