oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize