He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
