I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
