if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
