So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
