I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
