I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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