Please, let me fuck your mom
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
