i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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