we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
