Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i will never coherently bang her
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
