I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
