god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
