oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
