yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
