in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
