I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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