One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think my moral compass just broke
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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