So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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