please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
