as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
