All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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