Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
