one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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