Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
