I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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