Kiss
Puke
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
