DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
