As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
