So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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