I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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