omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she looked like the before picture.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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